"hi, sunshine."
yedam turns around and give a smile to his boyfriend slash his roommate. "oh, hi. what took you so long? your class was finished like... an hour ago?"
doyoung sighs out loud, "it's my turn to take the books back to library." then he sits next to yedam and lay his head to yedam's shoulder. "how's your day?"
"nice, i scored A for my biology test. and today's menu was delightful."
doyoung laughs, "i really love the way you talk, i love it when you use unique way of your diction." he slowly grabs yedam's hand and rub it with his thumb. "nothing annoys you?"
"no, everything was fun today." he says, reassuring doyoung. "i’m totally fine."
"good, then."
"doy,"
"hmm?"
yedam pauses, "no, nothing." he clenches his hand back to doyoung’s. "you love me don’t you?"
doyoung straighten back his spine and facing his boyfriend. "yes, of course, sunshine. i do." his hands cupping yedam's cheeks. "tell me what's inside that pretty head, hm?"
yedam shakes his head slowly, face glued to the ground. "nothing... i’m okay." he says, then giving his best smile, "you don’t need to worry about me. as long as you are here, i will be okay."
doyoung nods and stand up from the couch in their dorm. "i will get some sleep."
"okay...."
— —
everyone been saying that yedam is dumb. and he knows it.
he really does know it, way more than anyone else.
before anyone else found out that his boyfriend is hitting on someone else, he knew it first. before it becomes public secret, he's been hiding it as his painful secret.
and doyoung seems to not care about it, at all. he doesn’t care what people will think about him, about yedam, about their relationship.
just like what happened now.
yedam remember clearly that he has said that he doesn’t like melon. but look at doyoung, and a melon flavored ice cream in both of his hands.
"here you go."
yedam snaps back and take one of the ice cream cone from doyoung, "thank you." he says, doyoung nods and ruffling yedam's hair. then sit next to his boyfriend.
"is it good?"
yedam nods, "uhm. it's good." afterwards, they decide to eat their ice cream without any words. yedam trying hard to finish his ice cream despite the taste giving him nauseous.
"doyoung,"
"yeah?"
"i wanna go to the toilet."
in rush, yedam make his way to the toilet next to the cafetaria. and throws up in instant to the toilet sink. his body melts to the floor and his eyes get teary, because for god sake—his throat feels like burning.
him sobbing echoing off the wall, makes yedam look more miserable than he is.
"are you okay?"
yedam instantly lifts his face up, "get out."
the boy furrows his brows, "this is public facility, and you have no right to force me to get out from here."
yedam trying to pull himself together, "please, get out of here." his voice cracks at the end of the sentence. "do you mind?"
"okay," the boy says, "i will wait for five minutes outside, and by that please finish your crying session because this toilet is not yours."
yedam nods, "thank you."
— —
"where you've been? i'm looking for you all over the place!" doyoung shouting at yedam as he walked in into their dorm.
"i've told you i'm going to the toilet, doy."
doyoung let out a scoff, "you think i'm gonna believe you are going to the toilet for more than an hour?! i'm not stupid!"
yes, yedam was crying in the toilet for an hour. when he’s done, he can’t find the boy who was scolding him nor he knows his name. “it’s okay if you don’t believe me.”
“what do you mean?”
“can we stop this? i’m tired.” yedam begs, as if doyoung will notices all that tear stain, swelling eyes, and red flushed nose — the evidence that he was crying.
“you run away from problem, again.” doyoung says, being cynical. “i should’ve know.”
yedam not knowing what to say, everyone might think even though doyoung is a jerk by flirting when he is dating yedam but what the world knows that doyoung is the epitome of boyfriend material type. everyone’s been saying that yedam should keep his relationship with doyoung.
but they don’t know about this — they don’t know how tired yedam is.
“i’m sorry, i’m sorry if i’m not enough for you.”
— — —
“yedam, wake up! you’re gonna late for class!”
the voice is ringing in his ear, which make yedam groans. “w–what?”
“we are late, yedam. you better wake up now.” doyoung repeats his word. yedam trying to open his eyes but his head hurts like hell.
“i can’t wake up…”
doyoung immediately puts his hand on yedam’s forehead and neck to check his temperature.
“you are burning, did your head hurts?”
yedam can only nods, because his body is aching all over. he even can’t lift his head. tears start to build up at the corner of that sharp eyes.
“ssh, it’s okay. i will stay okay? let me get some porridge for you to eat, hm?”
doyoung comes back after ten minutes with a plastic bag filled with porridge and medicines. without a word, doyoung unpacked a fever patch and put it on yedam’s forehead then pouring the porridge to a bowl that they always had in their room. then he sits on the bed and feeds yedam.
“open your mouth.”
yedam obeys, one by another he eats the porridge that doyoung feeds him. and stop when the porridge left half eaten
“yedam, you need to finish it…”
yedam shakes his head slowly. “i can’t, it has no taste…”
“okay then,” doyoung put the bowl on the side desk and give yedam a pill. “drink this, i will give you another one on midnight, okay?”
yedam nods, and tugging his boyfriend tee. “doyoung…hug me to sleep.”
doyoung smiles, “okay, let me clear things first.”
— — —
you guys think that they are okay after yedam is sick?
well, you are wrong.
doyoung is get back like he used to before.
flirting on everyone, left yedam behind and act like they are nothing.
someone said, that a toxic person in a relationship will give enough affection to keep their partner stay with them.
and yedam thinks that it’s right.
but he doesn’t walk away.
“yedam,”
“…yes?”
“pay attention to your class please, or you may leave.”
“i’m sorry, ma’am.”
yedam can’t focus in his classes, it’s been a week since he got better and doyoung keep going back and forth. either being affectionate or ignoring him.
he really wants to confront — maybe not confront, more like having a deep talk. heart to heart thing, he just wants to know what is exactly the wrong thing in their relationship.
but will doyoung ever listen to him?
he is not.
— — —
“doyoung?”
“hey,” doyoung leaves a peck on his cheek, “how are you?”
“fine, thanks for asking.” yedam nibbling his finger tips. “can we…talk?”
“sure, go on.”
yedam shakes his head. “not here, when the class is over, on our room?”
“is it something serious?”
“…kinda?”
doyoung nods, “okay. see you at dorm.”
“see you.”
— — —
“so? what is it?”
yedam takes a deep breath, “you know… i wanna ask. what you don’t like about…us?”
doyoung frowns his eyebrows. “what do you mean? how can i hate us?” he says, “i love you and that’s what matters.”
“doyoung, there is so much more than love in a relationship.” yedam starts, “there is trust, honesty, faith, privacy and of course love. i never wanted to bother your privacy, but — i wanna know why you are not faithful to me? why are you hitting on someone else?”
“i’m not faithful? so now i am the bad guy? if i’m not faithful i would be cheating on you and date them all!” his voice echoing the quiet room. “now let me ask you, why are you so selfish? you never get satisfied from what i gave you all this time!”
“i am not!? you are the one who never satisfied, because if you do, you won’t ever hitting on someone else!”
“i’m not hitting them! i’m not flirting, i’m just being fucking nice!” doyoung yelling at yedam. it is so harsh until it makes yedam flinch.
“you changed.” yedam whispers, more like a breathe. “you are not doyoung. the doyoung i know is not like this.”
“whatever, i’m leaving.” doyoung grabs his wallet and phone. “we are done.”
— — —
the next month, yedam is nowhere to be find at school. which makes doyoung wondering, did he really transfering just because they broke up?
little did he know, that yedam left because the school’s been asking him to accept a scholarship abroad. but yedam didn’t want to leave doyoung behind.
and the fact they broke up two days before the registration closed, yedam thinking that there is nothing that stopped him now.
and that’s it. he left. just like that.
leaving doyoung with his regret. regretting why he is wasting the most sincere person he ever met, why he waste yedam who loved him heartfully.
why he hurts someone who was bringing the best of him.
it’s all why.
and the answer is because he never satisfied. he never felt enough.
